Mean Streets!
It’s Dusk, in my big, ridiculously fabulous city. The Mary and I are heading out, unsure of
what the evening holds in store for us. The pishing rain has moved on but it’s
still beautifully damp, driech, dark and cold towards the end of another August
day. We see a marvellously drunk guy splashing and we revel in the sight of him relieving himself in a sparkly puddle. We carry on navigating the dogshit and giggle at our loss of balance; supporting, saving each
other from the indignity of a fall. It's as if we are in a Film Noir!
Life is Beautiful!
I hear a Pidgeon coo and look up in wonder and at that very
moment, it shits in my eye and, for once, it goes straight in as I’m not wearing
my sunglasses. In an instant, I feel very lucky to be alive. It’s both
refreshing and wonderful that nature is alive, well and seems to be flourishing
on the remnants of lunches, long discarded, by the city dwellers.
Let Glasgow Flourish indeed.
Let Glasgow Flourish indeed.
Unexpectedly, we were lured by flashing, repetitive, hypnotic
symbols dragging us into a doorway where two foreign bodies greeted us with a
forceful invitation to sit, before hitting us with a mountain of propositions. I
looked at The Mary and she stared back at me as if to say, “save me from this toil
and tribulation!’. I frowned apologetically before ordering something to drink in order to make the zombie move away so that we could fathom out what had just happened!
The array of offers was overwhelming and we decided to go
for a main course; something quick at 50% off as the other options involved
more calculations and manipulation and we wanted out of there before one of us
disappeared into the ether in a whiff of soya. I was shitting myself and
ventured down to the dungeon of terror only to be instructed to…
WET FLOOR!
I’m far too polite, even in a hostage situation, to do this so used the
cubicle. Then, on the way out I spilled a handful of water for fear of not following
orders. When I got back to the near empty Sala there was another victim waiting for something
to take away. Obviously too scared to
move away from the door she sat ridged looking at her light saber.
Just as The Mary tried to pass her a note the child portions of food arrived on miniature dishes but that was OK, as we could eat, in one fell swoop and head back to the street.
Just as The Mary tried to pass her a note the child portions of food arrived on miniature dishes but that was OK, as we could eat, in one fell swoop and head back to the street.
The sustenance had obviously given me courage, so I broached
the subject of the discount. I asked the antagonist;
"If we had paid the full price would we have got the same amount of food?" and the server replied, with a ghastly giggle,
"If we had paid the full price would we have got the same amount of food?" and the server replied, with a ghastly giggle,
“No, you would get double that amount…!
“So, it’s not really 50% off is it, if we only get half the
food?” I replied
“Do you want to complain to the chef?” she asked, gesturing
towards the blood-stained maniac standing at the kitchen door with a sword like
thing in his hand.
“It’s fine, my ability to calculate has never up to scratch…it's not your fault, it's mine, all mine!”
The Mary had already sussed the situation and was already outside with five fags in her mouth, puffing away. We both started to run to
get back to the motor as quickly as possible. Then, suddenly, standing right
there in front of us was a vision of hospitality, handsomeness and heroism in the
form of Super, Street, Food, Hero, Usha’s very own Kieran Cannon. Although he was too late
to save us from the nemesis’s deceitful cuisine he did calm us down, stating we
could visit him again, soon and everything will be wholesome and safe again!
As we venture home to the eastern metropolis we were
comforted in the knowledge that one bad experience helps you to appreciate the
better things in life. We will never, ever be seduced by unusual, persuasive
signage and I promise to make sure I do some research before entering uncharted territory.
Before long we were safely treading the dull, dank,
dangerous streets of our quarter of the city and had learned a valuable lesson…
There is no such thing as a free lunch and you really do only get what
you pay for!
Unless it's free...that would be good!
Unless it's free...that would be good!
See you the next time!
Oh, smoking is BAD for you...to keep calm try the green stuff or vape!
Oh, smoking is BAD for you...to keep calm try the green stuff or vape!
Me and The Mary
Mx
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